Each issue of Galaxy Brain will contain one chapter of Kathryn McLeod’s fantastic book, ” THAT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU–YOU SHOULD BUY IT! This is the seventh chapter. You can read the other chapters here:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven

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Chapter Eight

La Lindsay

“Beware of no man more than yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us.” G.K. Chesterton

“The bad news is ur an idiot.” Rihanna

It was my third shift, and Black Friday, that I finally worked with Lindsay.

I was ten minutes late for my scheduled 6:00 am shift, too, because in order to get to Chestertons for 6:00 am, I would have had to leave home the night before, and even I knew that sleeping over at the mall to be on time for a part-time minimum wage job wasn’t worth the backache.

But if Gwen was bothered by my tardiness, she didn’t show it. If anything, she seemed more chipper than I’d seen her before or since when she opened the door for me at 6:10 a.m.

Why so early? Because the doors opened for Black Friday at 7:00 am, and we had to get set up. There was a lot of merchandise to move out from the back and place strategically at the front for “sucker sale” because the Christmas motherlode was right around the corner and we needed to make room for it all.

“Katie, you remember Lindsay?”

“No, I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure. Hi, Lindsay.”

“Katie, you met me already? I’m the assistant manager? Lindsay? Remember? I nodded at you talking to Gwen in your… moon boots? Gwen thought I wasn’t doing anything but I was putting on the nail polish that Chestertons is selling for Christmas. I bought some last week.”

“Oh right, Lindsay. Of course. I remember now. Assistant manager.”

“Please don’t apply our nail polish at work anymore, Lindsay. It’s toxic and gives me migraines. I’m leaving Katie to you while I print up a call list with names and phone numbers so you can switch shifts with each other instead of calling me. No calls to me about Christmas scheduling. I’ve got enough to do now that it’s Black Friday. And this Black Friday has got to be big so I want everybody working on infill. Bring as much out from the back as you can stuff and stack.”

Exit Gwen.

“So Katie, what do you think of Gwen?”

“Well-”

“Katie! Never say anything about anybody in a store because it will get back to her before it’s even out of your mouth. Gwen’s a crazy bitch who’s trying to fire me because I don’t project the right ‘image’, so tell her that working your first Black Friday with me was awesome, ‘kay? We like each other right? You’re cool, right? You wanna work shifts with me, not her, right? You do. Trust me. I’m awesome to work with. But don’t forget, I’m your boss.”

“Yeah but that crazy bitch who just went to the back to do a call list is YOUR boss, so who’s sitting pretty here, eh?”

“Haha, Ashley #2 said you’re funny! Too bad she’s gone now. Customers really liked her and you could swoop in and poach ‘em. So easy. Like money from a sugar daddy. She didn’t care. Seriously, you remembered me, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did. I just didn’t want Gwen to think I did. You don’t want to stand out too much around me because I’m new to this and maybe, just maybe, I’m going to suck at it. Also, I met a bajillion girls my first day and they all look, sound, and act exactly like you and my own two daughters. It’s like Valley of the Grrls, er, never mind, you won’t get any of my pop culture references. But this store doesn’t seem big enough for so many sales people. What happens when there are customers and we’re all here, too. It must be like Grand Central Station.”

“Like what? Seriously, Katie, it gets, like, super busy and we need everybody. It’s the opposite. Gwen never puts enough staff on because she’s such a corporate kiss-ass saving on the peanuts they throw at us for selling their crap shit. Black Friday’s different, so don’t judge from today. And she’s always punishing somebody for something by not giving her hours so she’ll get frustrated and quit. She’s doing that with Ashley #3 right now. It’s passive aggressive hell here. Chestertons never fires anybody. They just nickel and dime you until you quit in frustration.  And Gwen’s the one in charge of the friggin’ schedule. We can’t just call each other up and switch shifts. Know why? Because if we do she’ll freak the phuck out and start shrieking all over the place, ‘I schedule you the way I do for a reason!’ She puts enough people on for Black Friday, for sure, though. And Boxing Day. But that’s it. And she keeps the schedule random so it’s hard for sales associates like you to work second jobs. She wants you on call. I get eight hours, though, so I don’t care. Every beeyatch for herself is my motto.”

“Hey, remind me to tell you about my favourite economics tell-all, Nickel and Dimed in America by Barbara Ehrenreich sometime. I wish I’d read it when I was your age, so I could have been a total cynic earlier instead of waiting until just a few years ago. Anybody who has a job should get fired or laid off and then just try getting another one is my motto now. But heads up, Lindsay. Gwen’s not trying to fire you, she wants you to get frustrated and quit.”

“Oh my god, work mom! I’m gonna make you my work mom. That’s awesome. I totally never thought of it that way.”

“No you’re awesome, Lindsay, because you did think of it that way. You just told me how Gwen operates and I told you back.”

“I’m awesome, you’re right. Get this, Gwen’s new formula for scheduling us? She takes the wage costs from last month, and puts them up against sales from the same month, except the same month from last year, so she can cut a bunch of shifts for the next month that hasn’t even happened yet. All because beeyatches like you lost your fat-assed jobs in the government last year. Or retired or whatever and don’t need the over-priced crap from Chestertons anymore. Get ready because after Black Friday? Shifts get cut way back. Everybody bought all their crap for Christmas already. So basically, work your ass off today, and then – nada. Esther told me you only had one shift as support?”

“Yup.  Then I worked a sales shift with… Ilsa? Tall, blond, total bi-”

“Eva! Haha, you did a shift with Eva? Aw, man, I wish I could’ve warned you about that cu- beeyatch. She thinks she’s my boss but she’s just a keyholder, and only because they want Anna to quit so every other week they take away her keyholder status and gave it to Eva. ‘Lindsay, I have 300 years of Human Resource Management experience, so as a former head of HR, if you want to know how to be an assistant manager, all you have to do is ask. I’d be more than happy to share my experience with you.’ Total sales stealer, too. Watch out for her or she’ll steal all your sales. Another way Gwen will try to get you to quit is if she gives you a sales goal of $1000 when you’re probably only going to get sales of $500. Then she’ll put on your performance review that you suck. But she’ll do that anyway, put on your performance review that you suck. It doesn’t matter because they want you to think you can’t get a job anywhere else whether you suck or not, so don’t worry about it. If Esther likes you she’ll give you some of her sales. You’re new so Eva’s totally stealing your customers. Ya want I should crush ‘er?”

“Well-”

“Kidding! I’m terrified of Eva. We all are. Just play along with her and when she goes on about how she’s only working here for fun money act like you are, too. I can’t because she knows I’m from the projects and I need money because my mom sucks at drug dealing. She owes a bunch of jerks. It’s like an endless cycle of owing money to a bunch of jerks, drug dealing. Hey, do you want to buy some pot?”

“No, I’m not into that kind of fun anymore. I was even going to AA until recently. But I stopped going after I tried my friend’s medicinal marijuana because I didn’t want to mention it at a meeting but I didn’t want to not mention it, either. I guess it’d be okay if it was my prescription. Anyway, my friend wants stronger pot, so I’ll tell her about your mom. Thanks. It’s hard for people my age to get pot. I remember my ex harvested some little plants that had grown up in the playground across the street from our house. He turned the space behind the furnace into a mini grow-op. He was a genius at growing pot. I kept forgetting it was there, though, and everybody saw it. He still thinks nobody knows about it but both our mothers know, the neighbours, our kids, furnace repair guys, duct cleaners. I don’t smoke regular pot because of existential crises. I had children to bring meaning to my life but they’re gone now. On their own, I mean. Now all I have are the worries. There was a time when I would have enjoyed telling my book club that I’m buying pot from my assistant manager’s mom, for sure. Actually, I still would. Although they worry about my financial prospects and buying pot from my assistant manager’s mom on my income would look pretty irresponsible. I’ll tell them you offered, but I declined, given my precarious employment. One of them needs a pot supply for migraines. I would not have pegged her as a pothead but I brought a couple of joints to her cottage once and I had, like, one puff because I was in a cottage in the woods, and she hoovered both joints. I’m practically comatose, she’s buzzing around doing all sorts of stuff.”

“Aw, bummer. I was hoping we could go for drinks later. I should probably go to AA. No, my friend, Lindsay, we have the same name, should. She’s a booze hound AND she doesn’t eat. Did you eat?”

“No, I didn’t eat. I was always worried it would kill the buzz and then I’d have to drink more, which I did anyway because I lack the shut off valve that keeps other people in socially acceptable drinking territory. Pot was good for eating, though. I’d stuff my face like Henry VIII at Mother Tucker’s. It’d be a good cure for anorexia. I don’t do that on my friend’s medicinal marijuana, eat like Henry VIII at Mother Tucker’s. That shit should be free. Solve everything.”

“Are you anorexic? You’re lucky you’re so skinny. OMG, I’m getting so fat. I bet it’s the booze. And pizza. Oh and burritos. OMG, I’m getting hungry. Hey, we should go to that new burrito place in the market. 12” burritos. Oh yeah, so, like, I’m totally into black guys.”

“Oh my god, Lindsay, that’s so politically incorrect I think my left ear just folded over on itself.”

“Me and Ashely #1 have an app? We meet up with the Redblacks. I’ve turned her on to black guys and now that’s all she wants, too. It’s my thing. Now it’s hers, too. We’re getting a place together. Don’t tell Gwen. She’ll freak. She freaked when she heard about the cleaning staff.”

“Why, what about the cleaning staff?”

“I’m dating them. Katie. Now my period’s late. I think I might be pregnant. Don’t tell anybody. I’m really worried. I threw up twice this morning but I feel fine now. Did you have morning sickness? Maybe I should have a baby, turn my life around. Lindsay says I should have an abortion, though, because I can’t even be relied on to look after Tj’s monster idiot dog, Drake. Oh man, do not- never mind.”

“No, I didn’t have morning sickness. I was healthier pregnant than at any other time in my life before or since. They were all planned, though. Meticulously. Like right down to- uh, TMI. I quit drinking a year before I even got married, that’s how planned they were. Of course, I got married because I quit drinking. I figured I’d never meet anybody else, now that I was out of the fun loop, so I panicked. We already kind of hated each other but, you know, time invested. And then I wanted to get something out of it. So three kids. He traveled a lot, though, that was nice. I kept hoping he’d run off with a woman at work, but in the end I had to be the Jezebel. My partner’s much younger than me and respects his elders so it works out better.”

“Haha, partner. That’s so lesbian, Katie. But I saw him when he came to pick you up yesterday. He’s hot. Lucky for you he’s white. So how long were you in AA? Like a hundred years? Haha, or does it just feel like that! Kidding! Hey, I heard you can meet a lot of guys at AA.”

“For sure, and frowned on, but I went to a women-only group.”

“Wow, partner, book club, women-only AA, Chestertons. Lesbian much, Katie?”

“You’d be surprised at how often I get that. But why would a woman have sex with a man if she could have sex with another woman? That never comes out right, that why would a woman have sex with a man if she could have sex with another woman thing.”

“Emily. She’s trying so hard to be bi it’s tragic. She’s trying to make a girl she’s in love with jealous. Do not let her get started on Bianca. She’s been trying to get this relationship to work for a year, and she’ll go on about how Bianca’s okay with here, and do swirling motions around her boobs, but not here, and do swirling motions around her vajayjay. I’m like, Emily, you’re hot stuff, 100% femme, go to where the dykes hang out. Forget Bianca. She’s straight. Everybody likes boobs. Hey, Esther’s in a book club, I wonder if she’s gay, too, the micro-managing freak. But she covers for me. I’m sick a lot because of my asthma and allergies. Oh yeah, don’t tell Gwen but I got a cat.”

“Yikes, I’m not sure I’m supposed to tell you this, Lindsay, but Esther’s retiring in two weeks.”

“What the hell? No shit! Phuck! Dammit! But she’s my cover!”

“But won’t Gwen need you more? I mean, c’mon, Lindsay. Who’s going to train the new hires while Gwen is in the back phucking up the schedule? Hey, so any men ever get hired at Chestertons?”

“Yeah, a couple of super gay guys work at a Chestertons in Toronto, but you have to be super gay, gayer than the guys Emily tries to be bi with even. Haha, gayer than you in those cranberry pants. Seriously, Katie, just buy some black pants from… Sears? And a blouse from Chestertons. Wear it every shift. We get lots of lesbians here, by the way, so you’ll be right at home. Total sales score if you get one. They hate to shop so they do it all at once. Anna can spot them, though. Her and those phucking suits. Goddamn it. She’s such a troll but she’s so good at sales. She was Miss Somewhere. You can see it when she talks about wherever she’s from. Her face lights up and she’s like a girl again. I guess I can see it. Transylvania?

“Portugal. But I don’t know why she doesn’t go where there’s commission.”

“Commission? Oh, Katie. How old are you, anyway?”

“Fifty-four?”

“Fifty-four?! Holy shit! How old’s your boytoy?”

“Forty-two.”

“Forty-two?! Holy shit! Cougar! Well, I guess, like, if you had money. Do you have money?”

“Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. If I had money-”

“Haha, would you be working at Chestertons!”

“No, no I would not. I’d be up and at it, though, because I’m an early riser. In fact, I’m very industrious, my industriousness just doesn’t translate well to a paying workplace.”

“If you call this a paying workplace. Ugh, customers waiting for the doors to open. Welcome to Black Friday, Katie. I’ll be on cash all day because I’m awesome. You’ll be wherever Gwen puts you, probably running back and forth to the stock room. Oh, and don’t even try to stop customers from stealing. Good luck, enjoy your extra hours today because, coming up… fewer hours!”