Kindness, Gratitude and Fear

Is there even a way to adequately thank or repay a kindness so willingly and graciously given? 

My driving has become virtually non-existent. Sure, I had a fractured foot at the time and driving was verboten! But I have serious PTSD from too much traversing on the 80’s. You know, Hwy 80, 580, 680, 880, 280…oh and that hell hole 99. Far too many near-misses and, well, not misses. 

Driving in LA? I’d sooner stick Exacto knives in my eyes. 

Recently, I’ve become crazed, terrified, terrorized, paralyzed. Lots of “fucks” wildly thrown about. The dislodged re-tread from a neglected big-rig catapulting into my windshield didn’t help either.  

I was moving and needed to move my car. But I couldn’t drive. Once my foot and ankle healed, I would have to. I dreaded it. Considered having the moving company transport it so I wouldn’t have to make the trek. How costly would that have been? God only knows. I was losing sleep over the whole idea.

So, when a friend offers up her time and generosity to chauffeur me and my car, to my new home, a “thank you for being a friend” just doesn’t quite cut it. 

Especially when she showed masterful restraint witnessing a few embarrassing breakdowns during the trip. I gasped. I air-braked. I grabbed for the arm rest. I was a weak puddle of mush. 

She looked over at me during one of my episodes and said, “It’s OK. It’ll be alright.” No judgment. No condescension. How I appreciated that. As I sat there, a ball of overactive nerves much like a chihuahua, I recalled a conversation we had a few months earlier. 

She told me, “I’ve always admired you. You are so fearless. You could just pick up and move to a new city where you knew no one. I wished I could do that.”  

I did that. I moved innumerable times to new cities by myself. I threw caution to the wind. I was fearless. So, you can imagine how inept and ridiculous I felt. Like I was letting her down. I had tarnished my image in one car ride. Yet her eyes were so kind. They radiated care and benevolence. She instilled me with comfort. I felt that sisterly love. 

I knew she was a safe and confident driver and that it would be best for all if I just kept my eyes off the road. I tried. I really did. But we were on the road for 3 hours. And if any of you suffer from some sort of PTSD, you know that it is accumulative. In other words…. the longer I was in the car, the higher my anxiety level got. By the time we got to our destination, I felt like I had run a marathon while being strapped to a hand grenade. 

But the point is not my inability to cope. It is how fortunate I am to have such a friend.

She had my back. She knew I was struggling. She knew I needed help. She figured out a way to help, and she did it. She would not take “no” for an answer. 

She never takes no for an answer. She continually gives of herself. She, not once, has ever made me feel like I was imposing on her. And believe me, the number of times she offered to help and came to my rescue, had to be an imposition. 

Her life is full. She has a beautiful large family. She has plenty going on. And she has a lot to deal with. She has more on her plate than most. Yet, she so eagerly wants to be of service in any way she can. All the while smiling and ensuring that you do not feel like you are taking advantage.  

What an amazing human being; caring, unselfish, inspiring. She is exactly what the world, our world, needs more of. I am so blessed to have her in my life.