Anatomy of a Disaster

Galaxy Brain: Tell me, what went wrong? Why the Toronto Maple Leafs?

Delaney: My dad was a fan and the Leaf games were the only ones we watched growing up. Even after I’d gone to bed I could still hear him cheering. LEAFS SCORE! WHOO HOOO! That sealed the deal.

The first game I saw was at Maple Leaf Gardens – we had seats in the Gold section, right behind the benches and got to walk through the same tunnel as the players did to reach them. The atmosphere was incredible – I was amazed at how much faster and fluid the game was live compared to TV, too. You really felt the players’ motion and the puck had a life of its own.

So, the Maple Leafs were an inheritance. I followed in my dad’s footsteps, which I’ve done in other areas that have turned out much better than the fates of the blue and white. Apart from supporting Chelsea in the EPL, my sports allegiances were handed down from him.

This inheritance was being cemented in the late 70s during the darkest days of the Ballard era. Roger Nielsen was coaching. The teams weren’t any good and the entire game and league were different. Weirdly, my favourite player was Ken Dryden, which was a problem for obvious reasons. I played a lot of street hockey growing up and I was always the goalie because I was the fat kid who couldn’t run. Dryden’s name had this mystical quality because he was the best goalie in the league and had that fantastic mask painted to look like a target. I didn’t even know what he looked like underneath. I felt oddly relieved when later he became president of the Leafs.

Galaxy Brain: I remember that mask. I tried to paint mine like his when I was as a kid, only I just circled the eyes a kind of grotesque red. Done in a kind of splotchy, spastic manner. Looked like somebody had ripped the eyes out of my head. Kind of terrifying, truth be told. Regardless, it sounds like it would have been wiser for you to have chosen Montreal, but I guess you had no say in the matter– the sickness was passed on to you. Not much you can do about that. So how do you get through the days knowing that your horrible team is destined to always fail in horrible, new ways?

Delaney: Well, I don’t consider the team horrible all the time. True, there have been horrible versions and sometimes they’ve been coached horribly – Brophy’s Boys in the mid-80s would qualify– And there have been horrible trades – Russ Courtnall for the doomed John Koridc, say. And horrible player decisions – say, trading the rights to Tukka Rask to Boston for Andrew Raycroft. Then there have been a multitude of horrible things that have befallen them.

Galaxy Brain: Like elevating Dion Phaneuf to Captain?

Delaney: Yes, exactly. And to elaborate just a bit, the experience of the Leafs is more of an acute kind of horrible. It’s all-consuming in the moment, (the impact of past failures tends to compound with each passing year) but it’s also fleeting. It’s never really occurred to me to switch allegiances, even though I know to be a Leafs fan is to endure a lot of abuse and angst while waiting for a day that may never come.

But it might. And when it does it will be glorious. I imagine sights similar to that of Bill Murray in tears when the Cubs won the World Series after however many years of futility it was for them.

This one might take longer, but still, the principle holds.

Galaxy Brain: So it’s a cult? Most cults require a blood sacrifice at some point. Which Maple Leaf would you have most liked to sacrifice?

Delaney: Curtis Joseph – for publicly dumping on his teammates and leaving to join a team with a “real chance to win.” He got his comeuppance when the Red Wings went out in the first round the following season.

Also, Dion Phaneuf – for trying too hard. I think management wanted him to play a role beyond his skills, and it showed. Constantly skating away from the play to make late “statement” hits only to show up back in his own zone after the puck was behind whoever was in net at the time.

Galaxy Brain: That goddamn Phaneuf. Bet he owns 26 jet skis.