The Hard-Timers Horoscope, January, 2022

In 1983, an inmate in California named Fred Woods wrote to legendary astrologer Jeane Dixon, asking her if traditional horoscopes applied to people in prison, with their strictly-controlled lives and limited possibilities. Inspired and impressed by the question, Dixon created “The Hard-Timers Horoscope” specifically for the prison population, which became a hugely popular feature in the hundreds of inmate-published newspapers that ran it. Contributed at no cost to the newspapers by Dixon’s editorial team, the feature was carried on after her death in 1997 and continues to this day.

Reprinted from The Prison Mirror, Minnesota Correctional Facility — Stillwater, January 6, 2022

Aries (March 21 — April 19)

Tonight’s full moon and tidal pull may cause you to sleep a little less soundly than usual. Which could actually be a good thing, as the D-Side crew is planning to shove a sharpened toothbrush deep up your hole, stoolie.

Taurus (April 20 — May 20)

You need to listen to the gravity from a wide-orbiting Venus, pull back into yourself, and find some much-needed solitude. Lucky you: remember those postage stamps laced with Suboxone your mother sent you last month? They just found them in your cell, so that’s a year in the hole at least. Oh, and your mom’s being arrested this afternoon, too. Tell her to flip your dealer and they’ll go easy.

Gemini (May 21 — June 20)

Hey, foodie! Mercury’s on its way, so your senses are extra sensitive, making it the perfect time to try an exotic new dish. But not the coleslaw. The guards pissed in it.

Cancer (June 21 — July 22)

It’s never too late to follow a dream! Well, maybe for you. Remember that extra cranberry muffin you took at breakfast last Friday? That was Crazy Stan’s, and he waited all month for it. Avoid the yard.

Leo (July 23 — Aug. 22)

You’re a rambler, Leo, and it’s time to spin the globe! Where do you see yourself a year from now? Someplace foreign and hot? Wait — that’s Libra. Sorry! After next week’s parole hearing, you’re not going anywhere for a long time.

Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)

Saturn’s rings are are surrounding you with extra brainpower and creativity. And since the Feeney twins are heading your way with a sock full of hard, steaming shit (seems you forgot to courtesy flush in their cell last week)… think fast, Einstein!

Libra (Sept. 23 — Oct. 22)

Are you vibrating on high because the Moon is in perfect symmetry with your energy flow? Or because on the morning of your day pass, you swallowed 37 condoms filled with heroin and one of them has just ruptured? Only time will tell.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 — Nov. 21)

If you miss the lights of the stage, drama-loving Scorpio, then get your makeup on because the role of a lifetime is coming your way any minute, in a play called Begging For Your Life! Except, it’s no role. It’s real. You’re about to have to beg for your life any second. We’re not kidding. Break a leg!!!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21)

Jupiter’s high in your orbit this week, and its pull on your heart means you’re missing that special someone a lot more than usual. However, don’t worry about her being lonesome, because she’s been sleeping with your lawyer for months. But instead of drinking that stolen toilet cleanser you’ve been saving for just this moment, try to look at it this way: when she’s on his face, she’s on your case.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19)

Your work ethic in the prison laundry is impressive, and will score you much-needed points with people in high places. Unfortunately, all that hard work will be for naught unless you can rein in your equally strong throwing hot bleach in peoples’ faces ethic.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18)

With the Moon high in your house for weeks now, you continue to fascinate others with your cool, detached demeanour. Maybe a little too much, as word is out that you’re prepping a hit — which of course means a pre-emptive strike at any moment. Snap out of it and get back to your jittery, obnoxious self immediately.

Pisces (Feb. 19 — March 20)

Some days we feel like a hostage to our environment, and for a free-flowing water sign, that’s extra frustrating. But some days we actually are a hostage, with a knife made out of a soup ladle held at our throat for 11 hours by a hysterical lifer who wants “Dharma & Greg” back on the TV schedule. When Venus comes out of hiding, your direction will be revealed!

*** You can buy Jim’s stunning, hilariously fantastic new book, Temporary Libraries here.