Resolved to get back in touch with people? Galaxy Brain is here to help!

Most of us have a To-Do list as long as the fridge door, and all it does is get longer. But if you’ve actually resolved to keep your new year’s resolutions, and reaching out to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while is one of them, then Galaxy Brain wants to help. 

When we came across this handy form letter, we were delighted. You simply add the recipient’s name and some personal details, cut and paste, pop it in an email or an envelope and you’re done! And you can use it for as many people as you want, because chances are there’s more than one name on your special list.

What are you waiting for? Just fill it in, send it, and scratch that to-do off your list forever!

Dear __(person’s name)__,

It sure has been a while. And that’s what this letter is all about.

These days — or is it years!  — we’ve all been so busy trying to stay above water and keep ourselves and our families healthy, that many of us have been innocently forgetting to reach out to people we know. I know I have!

So with that in mind, I’m going to force myself back on track here, and take a moment to do something I’ve been meaning to do for a while — and that’s to tell you, with all sincerity, to fuck off.

To be honest, I’ve been meaning to tell you to fuck off — fuck off and die, actually — for the longest time, but as you know the days turn into weeks and there you have it. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about it, or about what a godless horror show you are. In fact, not a week goes by when I don’t look at my to-do list, and see “__(their name)___, fuck off.” I shake my head at my forgetfulness, promise to write you that second, and let you know that I wish you were slowly bleeding to death right this minute in a gruesome car crash… but then the phone rings or something else comes up and, boom! — another week’s gone.

What can I say, I’m guilty! Much like you were, when you ______(thing they did to you)_________. But look, no one’s perfect: I’m forgetful, you’re a giant heap of maggots writhing in a pus-filled cadaver of unthinkable depravity. But if this crazy time has taught us anything, it’s that we need to be a little more forgiving of each other. But not of you, of course. When you ______(more of what they did)_________, well, that was impossibly vile, and I hope you get brain cancer, you Nazi pig-raper.

Well, that’s all for now, because that to-do list is calling me again! I’ll just end by hoping that this craziness is over soon, so we can all get back to normal life — which for you of course means _________(horrible thing they did again)______________. And that’s why, once again, please, drink drain cleanser. And say hi to ___(spouse’s name if applicable)____!

Here’s hoping you fall off a balcony soon, 

____(your name)________

*** You can buy Jim’s stunning, hilariously fantastic new book, Temporary Libraries here.