My Balls Are Killing Me

Words Chris Robinson,
Pictures Andreas Hykade

 Each issue of Galaxy Brain Magazine will contain an instalment of Chris Robinson’s book, “My Balls Are Killing Me.”

You can read the first instalment HERE  

The second HERE 

The third HERE 

The fourth HERE.

The fifth HERE.

The sixth HERE.

Chapter 11 – Welcome to Ogygia

A family portrait appears.

It’s of Clea, Marcus, Jimmy and Mr. Pimp. It soon begins to distort. Heads, Arms, Feet, Body all expand, alternate, and distort. Clea’s face appears to devour Mr. Pimp.  After a lot of expanding, contracting and shifting… Mr. Pimp is alone in the frame. He rises from the frame and gets into a car. The radio plays and we hear “Days into weeks/She rattled my mind.” …before he switches it off to admire the mountainous landscapes. There are many hills and valleys. The weather makes frequent shifts between snow, rain and fog. Suddenly, Cardinal Barry lands on the front hood of the car. He just sits and stares at Mr. Pimp, who eventually slows down and pulls over to the side of the road. 

Mr. Pimp lowers the passenger window. Cardinal Barry flies in and sits by the shoulder rest of the passenger seat.

“Where you going?” he asks.

“Same place you are,” says Cardinal Barry.

“But didn’t you die?”

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?”

“I guess.”

They continue driving. 

They approach a sign that reads OGYGIA. 

Cardinal Barry turns and says: “That’s where you need to go.”

“But I thought we were going to the same place.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you there eventually, but I need to get out now.”

Cardinal Barry flies out the passenger window.

Mr. Pimp drives on and turns right towards Ogygia. He follows an unpaved road into a dark, forested area. After a few kilometres, he stops by a river. He parks the car, gets out and unloads the recliner chair. He carries it to the water, grabs a stick and begins to paddle towards a nearby island.  On the island, he paddles the chair (now on wheels) towards the gate of a large white house and then up a long driveway. The house is almost like a mansion, a not quite a millionaire but second or third tier status.  There are three levels and he walks to the door at the side of the house, he spots a large pool area in the back that overlooks a large forest. Just beyond the forest, he can see the river. Nervous, he goes to the door and rings the buzzer. A surprised Calypso opens the door.

“This is what I want,” he announces.

 She embraces him. They enter the manor and close the door.

Mr. Pimp stands in front of a bathroom mirror. He has his lab coat on and his right arm furiously pumps up and down. “Where’s my god damn juice? It’s been two months now. 

“Be patient” says the voice of Doctor Wizard Bob in the mirror. 

“Fuck you,” he says to his own reflection.

Once there was hope. Right after an orgasm, he squeezed the head of his cock with his hands and a drip of liquid appeared.

Then nothing. Just more drygasms and dripgasms.

Mr. Pimp looks in the mirror again, “Man, you told me this was a nerve-sparing surgery!? There’s supposed to be a 90% success rate. Glad I’m not a gambler. Something like 3/100,000 guys get ball cancer. Even fewer get the aggressive type I had. The post-biopsy recovery was a mess. The RPLND surgery was also said to be 90% clean, but it wasn’t.

Doctor Wizard Bob appears. “Maybe try some Sudafed. It might stimulate the nerves. Take a couple of them about an hour or two before show time.

Mr. Pimp pops three pills and begins the pumping action again. There is blinding light. His eyes shake. Drips! There are barely drips! There is hope!

Athena appears on his right shoulder in the mirror. “Why are you so obsessed with this? You don’t want more kids. You can’t even manage what you have.”

“Calypso thinks she wants kids.” 

“Are you out of your fucking mind? A few weeks ago, you abandoned her in a hotel room,” says Athena, angrily. “Now, after you’ve been found out, you race back to her and are already thinking about kids!? You’ve had no time to recover from cancer. Your marriage has ended. You have no home. And now you’re thinking about having kids with someone you’re not even sure you want. You are the poster boy for madness.

Calypso appears suddenly behind the testicle in the reflection. “He has a home now,” she says and then proceeds to squeeze Athena until she explodes. 

Now, Calypso’s face overshadows Mr. Pimp’s in the mirror.

“Is this what I want?” Mr. Pimp seems to mumble.

Mr. Pimp stands in front of a bathroom mirror. He has his lab coat on and his right arm furiously pumps up and down. “Where’s my god damn juice? It’s been two months now. 

“Be patient” says the voice of Doctor Wizard Bob in the mirror. 

“Fuck you,” he says to his own reflection.

Once there was hope. Right after an orgasm, he squeezed the head of his cock with his hands and a drip of liquid appeared.

Then nothing. Just more drygasms and dripgasms.

Mr. Pimp looks in the mirror again, “Man, you told me this was a nerve-sparing surgery!? There’s supposed to be a 90% success rate. Glad I’m not a gambler. Something like 3/100,000 guys get ball cancer. Even fewer get the aggressive type I had. The post-biopsy recovery was a mess. The RPLND surgery was also said to be 90% clean, but it wasn’t.

Doctor Wizard Bob appears. “Maybe try some Sudafed. It might stimulate the nerves. Take a couple of them about an hour or two before show time.

Mr. Pimp pops three pills and begins the pumping action again. There is blinding light. His eyes shake. Drips! There are barely drips! There is hope!

Athena appears on his right shoulder in the mirror. “Why are you so obsessed with this? You don’t want more kids. You can’t even manage what you have.”

“Calypso thinks she wants kids.” 

“Are you out of your fucking mind? A few weeks ago, you abandoned her in a hotel room,” says Athena, angrily. “Now, after you’ve been found out, you race back to her and are already thinking about kids!? You’ve had no time to recover from cancer. Your marriage has ended. You have no home. And now you’re thinking about having kids with someone you’re not even sure you want. You are the poster boy for madness.

Calypso appears suddenly behind the testicle in the reflection. “He has a home now,” she says and then proceeds to squeeze Athena until she explodes. 

Now, Calypso’s face overshadows Mr. Pimp’s in the mirror.

“Is this what I want?” Mr. Pimp seems to mumble.

Summer Interlude of Ogygia. A montage of images:

A blood test.

An Xray

A CTscan

Doctor Wizard Bob gives him a ‘thumbs up’!

Mr. Pimp and Calypso make love.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso dance 

Mr. Pimp and Calypso drink.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso swim.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso lay in the sun.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso watch the sunset.

Mr. Pimp masturbates for science. Still no drops.

Mr. Pimp offers Calypso a ring. She takes it and embraces him. He turns to look up at the stars and SCREAMS HAPPINESS.

As his screams rocket to the stars, they travel through the sky until they fall onto an empty lazy boy chair. On the nearby sofa, Marcus, Clea and Jimmy sit together in the glow of a TV. No one smiles. The lazy boy chair moves and squeaks for a second. No one pays any notice.

Mr. Pimp drives a recliner chair up the long driveway of the manor, then backs it up to the garage and unloads boxes. 

–

Mr. Pimp and Calypso drink champagne with her parents, who toast and embrace him. “We are so happy. I’ve never seen Calypso so happy. You are such an amazing couple.”

Doctor Wizard Tobin’s office. There are pictures of testicles and sperm and eggs and babies and loving couples on the walls. 

“Do you remember me?” asks Doctor Wizard Tobin

“You took my testicle, I’ll never forget you.”,

They laugh for an uncomfortably long time. Soon, all the happy couples on the posters laugh. The sperm laughs. The eggs. A fetus. The testicles.

“So, what’s up?” asks Doctor Wizard Tobin.

“My pencil don’t work no more. Well, it works, but there’s no more lead.”

“So, you still don’t ejaculate,” says Doctor Wizard Tobin. “What exactly happens after you achieve orgasm?”

“Nothing. Aside from the occasional small drop….or more like the bubble of a drop… there’s nothing, completely dry.”

“But you are able to have an orgasm…”

“Oh yeah.”

“Does it affect the orgasm?”

“It’s a strange sensation. There’s the usual jolt of electricity that comes as the pressure surges through my cock, but just as it erupts, where I anticipate that usual liquid overflow, there is nothing…. it’s a fine orgasm. All orgasms are great…. but it’s like a great meal without dessert, a great concert with no encore.”

“And you want to have children still?”

“Well, I want to keep the door open.”

“There are a few options. We have to see if the well is dry or if the pump is broken. We’ll set you up for a test. You ejaculate into a container and then we get you to urinate. If there’s no semen in the container, then we’ll see if its retrograde and coming out through your bladder. If we find no semen, I can do a small surgical procedure that involves making a small incision in your testicle and taking the sperm from there.”

And with that…. Doctor Wizard Tobin vanishes into a puff of smoke.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso in New York at dinner, a Woody Allen movie, and bars.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso at an outdoor rock concert with lots of friends…and drinking and dancing… (two of the musicians on stage bear a small resemblance to Doctor Wizards Bob and Tobin).

Mr. Pimp and Calypso make love.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso dance 

Mr. Pimp and Calypso drink.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso swim.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso lay in the sun.

Mr. Pimp and Calypso watch the sunset.

Mr. Pimp masturbates for science. Still no drops.

A blood test.

An Xray.

A CTscan.

On the deck of the manor pool, Mr. Pimp lies on a plastic lounge chair floating on the water. Calypso and the family are sitting on the deck of the pool, sunbathing and drinking. There is lots of laughter. His phone vibrates.  Doctor Wizard Bob pops out of his phone. “I need you to come in. The cancer has returned.”

Mr. Pimp floats alone in a pool covered in leaves as the rain pours down. 

¹ Chocking Tara by Robert Pollard. Performed by Guided By Voices.