My Balls Are Killing Me

Words Chris Robinson,
Pictures Andreas Hykade

 Each issue of Galaxy Brain Magazine will contain an instalment of Chris Robinson’s book, “My Balls Are Killing Me.”

You can read the first instalment HERE 
The second HERE
The third HERE  
The fourth HERE.
The fifth HERE.
The sixth HERE.
The seventh HERE. 
The eighth HERE.

13 –A Long Way from Home

It’s Movember!

As Mr. Pimp walks to get another CTscan, he passes a parade of mustachioed men and women. All types of sizes and shapes. It’s meant to promote awareness of men’s cancers. He feels his bald head: “Why don’t just they shave their fucking heads and balls if they want to promote cancer.” He feels like he’s being mocked.

Calypso, Marcus, Jimmy and Mr. Pimp are in a chair paddling to Ogygia. A mixture of wind and snow falls on them as the rough waves continually threaten to upend them. The ride is long and slow and cold.

When they reach the shore of the island, Doctor Wizard Bob appears and gives him a thumbs up. “The CT scan shows the abdomen and pelvis are clear. The chest shows that all but one nodule has disappeared, and that one has shrunk to 1cm and will likely keep shrinking and just vanish. These are good results.”

He looks confused. “I really don’t understand these markers and tests.”

“Okay, let’s go over it then,” says Doctor Wizard Bob as he pulls down a screen and starts to write: BHCG is a substance secreted by the tumour cells. If the level goes down to normal, which yours has already, it is a sign of a good response. We look at two things for a good response. One is the marker decline and the other is the change or lack of change on imaging (CT Scans). A complete response is when the markers go to normal and the mass or node shrinks to less than 1cm.”

“So, you’re almost there.

“Yeah, but what about my hair?”

“It should take about four weeks or so before it starts growing again,” says Doctor Wizard Bob before vanishing.

Calypso throws a party for Mr. Pimp. There are kids and strangers everywhere. They smoke and drink and dance and sing. He has little energy though. It’s been two days since chemotherapy finished. He is bothered by the smoke. He drinks with little passion. Jimmy plays joyfully with other kids. Calypso and her parents, though, are frequently annoyed by the kids… being kids. Marcus looks alone and uncomfortable. 

Exhausted, Mr. Pimp collapses into his chair. He thinks of Clea and feels ashamed. “What have I done?”

“Zee heart has its reasons, of which reason is unaware,” says a voice with a heavy French accent.

Mr. Pimp falls asleep in the chair.

The next morning a raging Calypso appears above him on the bed. She is angry that he did not get up early to take care of his kids. Bald, bloated, and beaten, he has no energy to argue. As he looks outside, rain pounds on the window as a large red flag flaps in the background.

1. Blaise Pascal

Calypso shows her mom a vintage wedding dress.

The Pimp feels his hairless ball and ass. He enjoys it. Soft as a baby’s bum, he will miss the comforting smoothness.

–

Calypso and her mother scream at Jimmy and Marcus. 

“Shut up old lady,” says Marcus, calmly. 

Mr. Pimp laughs.

Calypso’s mom flees from the room as dramatic tears strain to fall.

“We can’t have kids,” Mr. Pimp tells Calypso.

–

Mr. Pimp stares into a mirror. He does this each day to keep track of his hair. He has a cold. There’s a snot tsunami in his nose because of the lack of hair.  He sees spots on his thighs. His face and body are bloated. He looks like Anakin Skywalker underneath the Darth Vader mask. Fingers and toes are tight. He can’t sleep. Constant dread. Will the cancer come back? Will it be a new cancer? Can you be half dead?

“Can’t ANYTHING go right!?”, screams Mr. Pimp dressed as Charlie Brown.

His scream is interrupted by the roar from his pants. He laughs. He enjoys chemo farts. There are many of them. If farts were paint, he’d be making Jackson Pollocks in his undies.

The Pimp and Calypso sit apart in the house. Large pieces of diamond- like hail smash against the ground outside. She smokes and texts someone. He sits curled up in his chair, drinking and searching for any evidence of hair. He stares at Marcus and Jimmy, who play a video game together in another room. 

Mr. Pimp and Calypso dine. Calypso flickers violently.  Doctor Wizard Bob appears. “Great news, the tumour is down to 7mm! We consider this a normal range. So now we will just put you back on surveillance. The odds that it doesn’t return are more than 95%.”

Doctor Wizard Bob vanishes.

Mr. Pimp takes a moment to process the good news. It’s been one year since he first found the lump.

Calypso is beaming. Her flickering has stopped. She embraces him. Athena joins them.

There are tears.

“Goodbye,” say Calypso and Athena. 

They fade away.

Mr. Pimp sits alone in his chair on the island. It’s complete darkness. Thunder roars closer. Lightning grows brighter. He sits back in his chair and shrinks to the size of a little boy as the raging waters rise above him and devour him.