Someone Stole the Taco Bell Bell

They got right up there on the roof and stole the thing. Probably took a couple guys cause the damn thing’s heavy made of metal I guess.

They put it in the paper. Small town big news. Folks come by and take pictures of the bell that weren’t there no more otherwise what kind of nut takes pictures of a Taco Bell when they’re not even on vacation somewheres.

This was back in oh the eighties late seventies. Yeah way before your time but everything’s before your time okay millennial okay generation whatever. Nice perspective you got there no wonder you can’t find a job.

Taco Bells were different then. They built them like little mini mexican missions with stucco walls and a red tile roof and a bell hanging on top like they gonna ring it when it’s time to come to Jesus but they never do cause it’s not a real life bell probably not even made of metal after all but fiberglass or some crap and nobody gonna ring that bell cause it’s not a real mexican mission it’s a Taco Bell and Jesus ain’t there.

Two things for sure if you go and put up a Taco Bell in a college town:

1. Business gonna be good

2. They gonna steal that bell

It’s always college kids that steal the bell never townies on account of townies are too busy buffing their F-150s and smacking their girlfriends around to do much of anything else.

Turns out the stolen bell was good for business. Taco Bell got a big picture in the paper for free then folks go in and buy tacos and a coke cause they feel sorry for the place and they go lordy what’s the world coming to when college kids got nothing better to do than steal the bell off a Taco Bell.

Me I never went to that Taco Bell. Not big on foreign slop and not big on food you have to eat sideways just give me chicken and a burger. I never set foot in any Taco Bell in this whole wide world if you really wanna know and I’m proud of that fact. It’s like Oshawa. Got nothing against the place persay just never found a good enough reason to go. You can go right ahead and chisel this on my tombstone:

EDWARD “BUMP” ELGIN

NEVER WENT TO TACO BELL OR OSHAWA

MUST’VE DIED FROM SOMETHING ELSE

So one day like years later Taco Bell quit doing the fake mission deelio. Too expensive or maybe the catholics complained on account of Jesus or more likely people in electric cars complained cause them woke busybodies been running a muck since way before you were born JTLYK. These days all they got is a sign outside with a picture of a stupid bell on it and now you can hardly tell a Taco Bell from a Popeye’s unless you look at the sign before you go in.

So the manager I guess phones head office and goes for chrissakes some college jackoffs got up there on the roof and stole the bell can you send another one.

So then the head office guy goes well okay and sends another one. They put it up and nobody takes a picture or puts a story in the paper or talks about it or nothing. Nobody cares. El zilcho.

Three weeks later the bell gets itself stolen again. Big writeup in the paper again going on and on about Taco Bell getting targeted by thieves like the whole thing’s oceans frickin’ eleven.

Anyways all them folks from before show up again and buy more tacos and cokes and they shake their heads and say the world’s going to hell in a handbasket and the cops otta do something about all them kids up at the college there.

Even today nobody ever did find out who stole them bells and no deathbed confessions as of yet. But who they trying to kid. Follow the money and I say it was the manager all along.