My Balls Are Killing Me

Words Chris Robinson,
Pictures Andreas Hykade

 Each issue of Galaxy Brain Magazine will contain an instalment of Chris Robinson’s book, “My Balls Are Killing Me.”

You can read the first instalment HERE 
The second HERE
The third HERE  
The fourth HERE.
The fifth HERE.
The sixth HERE.
The seventh HERE. 
The eighth HERE. 
The ninth HERE.

14- Apocalypso Now 

Mr. Pimp is alone on Ogygia. Everyone has left. It storms each day. He sits in his chair, drinking, taking pills. He is always wet and shaking.

Occasionally he wanders the island in search of Calypso. He calls out her name, but there is no response. Sometimes he just shouts obscenities. You CUNT! YOU DECEIVED ME. FUCKING BITCHASSWHORE. He writes her long letters but never sends them.

Marcus and Jimmy are near, but he never sees them as he wanders, raging and mumbling. 

Occasionally he stumbles to the ground and just lies there staring up at the darkness as the rain pounds down on his face. “I gave you what you needed,” says the voice of Calypso.

He sees Clea and begs her to take him back. She doesn’t hear. She’s walking with another man.

He meets a witch. “I think I need help,” he says. “Of course, you do. Follow me.” She leads him to a cauldron. Using a giant spoon, she takes a variety of coloured pills from the pot and pours them into a pill box. “These will make it better.”

Mr. Pimp takes more pills and washes them down with alcohol. His confidence feels good for a moment. He sees a parade of vaginas. He approaches each one, smiles, fucks them, rages and then moves onto the next one.

Under a cover, he starts a fire. On it are Calypso’s wedding dress, ring, a set of Friends’ DVDs, and books. He dances around the fire as though performing a ritual for a new moon.

Mr. Pimp sits in his chair and starts talking to an imagined Calypso: “I can’t wait to see you. It’s almost our anniversary. I should arrive in the evening. We can have champagne and make love.”  

Cardinal Barry flies by: “I’m so ashamed of you right now.”

Mr. Pimp says angrily, “Fuck off, you’re dead. You don’t fucking matter anymore. You left me. Just like she did. Just like they all fucking do.

Cardinal Barry: “Pathetic,” he tweets before flying off

A despondent Mr. Pimp walks towards the raging freezing river. He looks out into the deep darkness. He starts to walk towards the water, but stumbles and passes out.

He meets another witch. “I think I need help,” he says. “Of course, you do. Follow me.” She leads him to a cauldron. Using a giant spoon, she takes a variety of coloured pills from the pot and pours them into a pill box. “These will make it better.”

Mr. Pimp, blurry eyed, fat and dazed sits in the chair. Suddenly he sees Clea, Marcus and Jimmy nearby. He rises from the chair to go towards them. 

Clea sees him and looks terrified. She rushes the boys away. 

Mr. Pimp keeps following, but their pace is faster.

Finally, he becomes enraged. Steroid Pimp appears and easily catches up to them. He grabs Clea hard by the shoulder and pulls her back. Marcus and Jimmy return to help free her from his grasp. They run again. Steroid Pimp storms after them, smashing and throwing trees along the way.

Eventually, he loses sight of them. He slows down, still raging, but overcome by exhaustion. Gradually, anger dissipates and he returns to his normal self.  He makes his way back to the chair, grabs a handful of witch pills, washes them down with a bottle and passes out.