The Dexter Statesman Chicken Incident

Downtown Dexter, Missouri

Re: Computer/Emails of Leonard McKinley
From: Karen Alvarez <Alvarezk@ddr.com>
To: Paul Adams (adams@dexterstatesmannews.com>
2023-04-19 11:16 pm
To: Paul Adams
Publisher, Dexter Statesman

Dear Mr. Adams,

Good news: I was able to recover your editor’s emails, pasted below.
I also found and included a long attachment that seems related to the whole thread.
(BTW, just being nosey: do you know if the police have any idea where these guys are?)

Invoice to follow.
Sincerely yours,

Karen Alvarez
Disklab Data Recovery Inc.
2 CityPlace Drive, Suite 200, St. Louis,
MO 63141
+1-844-DISKLAB

============ THREAD BEGINS =====================================================

2023-02-06 5:44 PM 

Len, here’s the chicken recall story. We can run it online now and get it in tomorrow’s print edition if you approve asap.

Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 6:08 PM 

Joe,
Is this a joke? Because this is not the time for one.

Leonard McKinley
Editor-in-Chief, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 6:14 PM 

A joke? No. Why?

Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 6:18 PM 

This was supposed to be a quick little public safety announcement that we could push out with some urgency. It’s serious.

Leonard McKinley
Editor-in-Chief, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 6:22 PM 

Damn right it’s serious. And I made damn sure people knew that.

Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 6:33 PM 

This is a newspaper. You hid the news 11 paragraphs down. Eight people could have died by the time they made it to the actual story, which you wrapped in… I don’t even know how to describe what you wrote. Are you on some kind of painkillers again?

Leonard McKinley
Editor-in-Chief, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 6:39 PM 

Len, how about you look at it this way: my attention-getting approach will probably save 800 lives. Not surprised you don’t understand this, however. I was actually expecting a thank you instead of this, maybe even a nice bottle of something. Like in the old days. I miss Lucille. Now that was an editor. If she read this piece she’d have a bottle of something brown and mean with two glasses on my desk before the ink was dry. 

Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 6:42 PM 

Leave my mother out of this. And the last thing you need is a bottle. I saw you leaving Budget Wines the other night with a cart two horses couldn’t pull.

You know that Dexter is a chicken town. Tyson would freak if I ran your “story.”

Leonard McKinley
Editor-in-Chief, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06  7:12 PM 

A cart of booze? On my salary? Wasn’t me. Plus, I’m not allowed in there anymore. And it’s Budgett Wines. Accuracy, Len.

As for this being a chicken town, okay, how about this then: 

“Dexter is a chicken town. Tyson chicken, to be precise. And we’re damn proud of that. Maybe chicken paid for your house. Or your lame son’s leg braces. Or the spine replacement of the local newspaper editor, since his seems to have gone missing. Strange thing that, because the one in his late mother was made of titanium. That great dame could grill an alderman until he shit out a major organ. But that’s for another time. A better time. Today is about chicken, Tyson chicken, the most red-blooded of all American meats. Which is probably why some even redder commie agitator just slimed his or her way into this unsuspecting town and tried to wipe us all out with a little bacterial warfare, hidden in your plump, moist chicken burger. Just when we’re finally recovering from their last little Wuhan Special. Solly, Chong Lee, we’re on to you. Oh, and if you happen to have purchased any Tyson chicken breasts with lot numbers L-9003-0, L-9004-0 or L-9005-0, discard them immediately.”

How’s that? 

Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 7:24 PM 

I’ve had enough of this. I had no idea you were such a racist. I’ll write it myself. And who uses “lame” anymore? 

Leonard McKinley
Editor-in-Chief, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 7:50 PM 

Was that not enough corporate kowtowing? It’s bad enough you send me to cover their LAME press conferences. 

Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 8:13 PM 

Fifty billion chickens processed is a major news event. There was even an out-of-town reporter from CBS there, remember? I briefed her myself. 

Leonard McKinley
Editor-in-Chief, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-06 8:15 PM 

Wasn’t that un-briefed?
I wrote precisely the piece this story deserves. Run it.

Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-07 10:02 PM 

Joe, this is over. Tyson is the only advertiser who consistently buys full pages. We’d have to lay people off. Seniority is not a bullet-proof shield, Joe.
And what do you mean by un-briefed.

Leonard McKinley
Editor-in-Chief, Dexter Statesman

—

2023-02-07 12:10 AM 

Would you look at that. An actual employer threat. Maybe that CBS reporter could use a hot tip. Like the one you gave her at the Travelodge the night of the presser. (I’ve been living there for a few months, not that you’d know. We’re a quiet troop here, mostly Tysoners and the occasional parolee and of course yours truly,  but the walls are unusually thin and every now and then we get some noisy lovebirds.) What’s her name, that reporter? Barb? No, Becky. Barb’s your wife’s name. Silly me. 

Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

— 

2023-02-07 3:22 AM 

You leave me no choice. I’m going to bring out the big guns.

Leonard McKinley
Editor-in-Chief, Dexter Statesman 

—

2023-02-07 3:25 AM

That’s exactly what you said to Becky!

Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

============ THREAD ENDS =====================================================

ATTACHMENT:

As Death Stalks A Fading Company Town, One Reporter Cries Fowl
February 6, 2023
Joe Swanson
Local News Reporter, Dexter Statesman

Tinh hoan ga, they call it. Chicken testicle soup. We ate it weekly in Saigon, before visiting Madam Thien’s comfort palace. A sweet soup claimed to boost a man’s vitality. 

Did it work? Call me Gonad the Barbarian.

We’ll get back to testicles later. But first, an ode to the chicken itself. 

And why not? Versatile, economical, tasty, the world’s most common bird is also the world’s second-favorite meat after pork. 

A staple in barbecues. A favorite for sandwiches.

A sadistic killer.

You heard me right, Dexter. But unlike other sadistic killers who once roamed the streets of our serene little burg — I’m thinking about local meth-head Boyd Lippoldt, who drove his F150 into poor Frank Morris just last year — special delivery, Frank — we welcome the chicken into our home with open arms.

Not this time.

I hold in my shaking hand a list of chicken products processed and packaged, very possibly, by you or someone you love. Because there’s a good chance that you or they work for Tyson, our biggest employer. All hail Tyson. 

Yet unlike Schindler’s list, this list is not life. Far from it. 

Do you happen to recognize any of these numbers on a pack of Tyson chicken breasts you bought in the last week or so? L-9003-0? L-9004-0? L-9005-0? 

If they’re still in the package, phew. Bring them back to Food Giant now. You’ll get a refund. And a second chance at life. Make sure while you’re there to stop and say hello to Deb at cash three. She’s always got a sweet smile for everyone, including this ol’ scribe. She even discounts my sardines without a coupon. Maybe one day I’ll shave and put on a clean shirt, and invite her… nah, she’s out of your league, Swanson. But I digress. It’s what I do.

However, if you’ve unfortunately eaten chicken with those numbers, then friend, then your number is up. Because those are lot numbers. As in a lot of pain. Exploding bloody colon pain. I won’t get too deep into my own experience with that little joyride, but let’s just say that this stringer once loved nothing more than washing down a double rack of Hell Heat Ribs with a gallon of Schlitz at the Hickory Log, back in the day when they paid a man at this podunk paper what he was worth. But my full colon turned into a semi-one and I haven’t eaten anything harder than oatmeal since. Hey, we all have our crosses to bear. Mine’s a 3-liter colostomy bag. But that’s for another day.

The culprit in said killer chicken? Campylobacter, a bacteria with an incomprehensible Latin name. Sigh. At least murder me with something American.

Then again, maybe that’s happening. I always suspected Tyson would kill this town. I just never thought they’d go in through the back door. 

So before they bulldoze all of us into a steaming mass grave, check those lot numbers, friends. And hug your kids. 

I sincerely hope this story makes its way to you. I have my doubts. It takes one hell of an editor to stand behind gutsy, call-a-spade-a-spade journalism like this. A real editor, with real balls. Not tiny little chicken ones. 

Tinh hoan ga, my friends. 

And goodnight, sweet Deb. Thanks for the sardines.

Newspaper office, 133 S Walnut St, Dexter, Missouri

Travelodge, 1608 W Business U.S. 60, Dexter, Missouri

*** You can buy Jim’s stunning, hilariously fantastic new book, Temporary Libraries here.