The other day while perusing the products of an online weed dispensary, a chat box opened and a support agent asked me if I needed any help. This is our conversation:
Stacey: Hey there, if you have any questions regarding our products please let me know!
Me: I’m interested in knowing how you folks come up with the names for all the different strains. I always thought I’d be really, really good at that. Is there any chance I might be able to apply for such a position within your organization?
Stacey: The growers name the strains, so I’m afraid we’re not accepting any applications for that position.
Me: Nuts.
Stacey: Sorry.
Me: I had some really good ones.
Stacey: I bet you did.
Me: You know it! Listen to these… Mystic Space Owl! Howling Cheesie Attack! Electric Light Orchestra!
Stacey: Those are pretty good, but I’m pretty sure the last one is the name of a band from the 70’s.
Me: Really? That doesn’t sound right.
Stacey: Google it.
Me: Sweet Jesus, you’re right! They must have been an amazing band, look at that hair! And the satin, too! Just stunning. I would give it all up if I could look like that. I really would.
Stacey: And speaking as a person who’s spending time chatting on a weed web site in the middle of the afternoon about job opportunities, what would giving it all up mean to you?
Me: I’m not sure. But it wouldn’t be weed. I would not give up the weed.
Stacey: We’re happy to hear that.
Me: I have a cat.
Stacey: Just one?
Me: Yes, his name is Admiral.
Stacey: Is that your duvet?
Me: No, it’s my mother’s.
Stacey: I see. Well, Admiral looks very cute.
Me: He’s a great cat, but make no mistake, I would give him up him for the ability to look like I was in ELO.
Stacey: Well, we must all walk our own path, I guess.
Me: That’s for sure! And let me tell you, I do walk my own path. Always have. I have to be me. Just the way I am.
Stacey: I’m sure you have lots of friends!
Me: And just because one of them might say you’re on the spectrum, that doesn’t mean it’s true.
Stacey: Are you high right now?
Me: No. You?
Stacey: No.
Me: Just a regular Wednesday afternoon then?
Stacey: Yep.
Me: Do you get sent a lot of dick pics?
Stacey: What do you think?
Me: I think that you probably do.
Stacey: Good guess. So, is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Have you ever seen a ghost?
( Stacey ends chat)
Michael Murray
Michael Murray is nothing without his wife.
Rachelle Maynard. That’s his wife.
Rachelle Maynard is the bomb.
She is the Galaxy Brain, and everything you see here is because of her.
That is the Capital T, truth.
But never mind that, for Michael Murray is truly the Galaxy Brain. He has won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest and is so good-natured that he was once mistaken for a missionary while strolling the streets of a small Cuban town. He has written for the National Post, the Globe and Mail, the Ottawa Citizen, Hazlitt Magazine, CBC Radio, Reader’s Digest and thousands of other prestigious publications and high-flying companies that pay obscene sums of money .You should buy his book, A Van Full of Girls and throw money at Galaxy Brain.
The humans put the money in the money basket -- so that all contributors may become plump with their labour.