Analyst Mack Ross is here.
A transcript

User Nicholas_ has entered room

Analyst Adamson has entered room

Adamson>

Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable. At the end of our chat you will be given the option of taking a brief survey. My name is Adamson. Please give me a moment while I access your account.

Adamson>

Hi Nicholas, how are you doing today?

Nicholas_>

Just fine thanks, and you?

Adamson>

Great!I am glad to know about you, thanks for asking.

Adamson>

How may I assist you today?

Nicholas_>

Is this Time Warner chat support?

Adamson>

Yes, you have reached Time Warner chat support.

Nicholas_>

Great – I’ve been trying for a while but my internet service rarely works under Time Warner so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t talking to someone else’s chat support…

Nicholas_>

Can you tell me why my internet hasn’t been working – pretty much at all – for about 6 months?

Adamson>

I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience you are experiencing with your internet service. I will be glad to help you with the internet issue you are experiencing.

Adamson>

Please give me some moment while I access your account and get the relevant information.

Nicholas_>

I mean, we’ve had a few of these conversations… but to no avail – I generally come home these days and say “Oh wow – the internet is working – I’m so lucky!”

Adamson>

Not an issue. I am right here to help you.

Adamson>

Please give me some moment while I access your account and get the relevant information.

Adamson>

Okay.

Nicholas_>

OKAY!

Nicholas_>

That sounds positive.

Adamson>

Thank you very much.

Nicholas_>

You’re so welcome!

Adamson>

Thank you very much.

Nicholas_>

Is Adamson your first name? It’s a great one. Kind of superhero-ish. “Who you gonna call (if you can get through)? Adamson!”

Adamson>

I would like to inform you that, I will have to transfer this chat to our higher level of support to assist you further with your concern and resolve your issue. Please wait while I transfer the chat.

Adamson>

Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

Analyst has entered room

Analyst Mack Ross has entered room

Analyst has left room

Analyst Adamson has left room

Mack Ross>

Hello! Thank you for choosing Road Runner Internet Technical Chat Support. My name is Mack Ross. I’ll be assisting you.

Mack Ross>

Hi Nicholas!

Nicholas_>

I already have an analyst. I hope you’re not going to charge as much as SHE does! ha!

Nicholas_>

Hi Mack Ross!

Mack Ross>

Please give me a minute while I go through your previous chat.

Mack Ross>

Hi.

Nicholas_>

Are you related to Roz Ross? Long shot I am sure but it’s a rare name.

Mack Ross>

We provide free support, Nicholas. You will not be charged for this.

Nicholas_>

I wish my other analyst would say that someday!

Nicholas_>

But she thinks I’m *NUTS*

Mack Ross>

I am sure, he will

Nicholas_>

*she* will…

Mack Ross>

Apparently, you are unable to connect to Internet, am I right?

Nicholas_>

YES – been having trouble for months

Mack Ross>

This would certainly bother me too. I am glad you reached us.

Mack Ross>

Don’t worry.

Mack Ross>

I’ll help you with it.

Nicholas_>

I mean are your cables made out of sponge, or cardboard or something absorbent?

Nicholas_>

Cause I’d talk to the tech guys about that… it’s, like, counter-intuitive

Mack Ross>

I can understand your concern, Nicholas.

Mack Ross>

Let me check the modem status from our end.

Mack Ross>

Please give me two minutes while I pull up your account details.

Nicholas_>

Two minutes? I guess your service is as slow as mine has been! Ha! Get it?!

Mack Ross>

Please give me a moment.

Mack Ross>

I see that the modem is Offline.

Mack Ross>

Could you please check the physical connections of the modem.

Mack Ross>

Remove all the connections and connect them back.

Nicholas_>

The physical connection of the modem is unplugged and sitting in a bag marked “return to Time Warner” next to a connection notice from Verizon – this was just the only way I could get in touch with you guys.

Nicholas_>

I mean, after 11 years of, let’s be generous and call it “service”, I just wanted to say goodbye.

Nicholas_>

Kind of like when that kid shot Old Yeller…

Mack Ross>

I can understand your concern, Nicholas. I really apologize for this.

Mack Ross>

It is perfectly understandable you being upset.

Nicholas_>

I’m not upset at all! This new service from Verizon Fios – coming soon to a neighborhood near me – is freakin’ awesome dude!

Nicholas_>

Do you find irony to be interesting, Mack?

Nicholas_>

That irony being that the only way I could get on Time Warner chat support was by switching to another provider?

Nicholas_>

I think that’s irony defined… at least from a Time Warner perspective

Mack Ross>

You can contact our local office technicians through phone.

Mack Ross>

I will provide you the contact number.

Mack Ross>

You can contact them on 212-REDACTED

Nicholas_>

We both know they never answer…

Nicholas_>

Maybe you should kick this conversation up to a manager, eh?

Mack Ross>

Would you like to cancel services from Time Warner?

Nicholas_>

No – I’d like to torment Time Warner for a day or two more if that’s OK.

Nicholas_>

Get you guys all giggly and in “will he or won’t he” mode… How’s this – convince me I shouldn’t cancel. You’re the so-called “provider” after all.

Nicholas_>

And what have they done with Adamson?

Nicholas_>

Can you hear him being beaten?

Nicholas_>

I can… in my head I can…

Nicholas_>

Anyway – So – here’s my question. What can Time Warner offer me to bring me back into the family?

Mack Ross>

I have checked the modem status and it shows Offline. I will schedule a service call for you, our technician will visit your place and check the problem.

Nicholas_>

You have cable at home, right?

Mack Ross>

Yes.

Mack Ross>

Would you like me schedule a service call?

Nicholas_>

Just for the sake of argument. What’s your favorite station on your cable channels?

Mack Ross>

I don’t get time to watch Cable.

Mack Ross>

Shall I go ahead and schedule a service call ?

Nicholas_>

OK – what’s your favorite TV show?

Mack Ross>

Friends. But I am sorry, we are not supposed to do a private chat.

Mack Ross>

Please let me know if you would like me to schedule a service call.

Nicholas_>

I understand. Friends is excellent though.

Nicholas_>

And Rachel… I mean… WOW, right?

Nicholas_>

Anwyay – Mack – I want to say that you are a better person than the people you work for – and thanks for being a human. I wish you the very best. I won’t be coming back to Time Warner though – the service is just not very good. Now go see how Adamson is doing, he might need some water or medical attention.

Nicholas_>

(spoiler alert)

Nicholas_>

Rachel ends up marrying Brad Pitt in real life. Eww, right?!

Mack Ross>

Thank you for understanding my limitations.

Mack Ross>

I like your friendliness.

Nicholas_>

And thank YOU for understanding mine. If you ever come to New York… call me

Mack Ross>

Sure.

Mack Ross>

Would you like me to provide you with any other information?

Nicholas_>

Look me up on facebook – Nick Mckinney

Nicholas_>

Have a good night

Mack Ross>

Thank you.

Mack Ross>

I wish you the same

Mack Ross>

Take Care.

Nicholas_>

No – no other information needed

Mack Ross>

Bye

Nicholas_>

Bye, my special Friend.