[Originally published 2020/04/20]
Sweet Prince
Good-night, Sweet Prince: Beloved Baseball Mascot Mr. Met Dies at 56.
It is with great sadness that the New York Mets family must announce the sudden passing of Mr. Met. He will be forever remembered by millions of baseball fans for his inexhaustible optimism, sincere love of people, and of course, his great passion, The New York Mets. However, he transcended baseball. He belonged to all of America. People were inspired by the determination in which he faced certain defeat, day after day after day, with courage and hope.
Unfortunately, the pressure of always being in the public eye and cheering on a doomed franchise took its toll. What many people didn’t realize was that what appeared to be seams from a baseball on Mr. Met’s head and face, were in fact stitches from a baseball-head transplant he had as a child. This caused excruciating neck pain, as well as piercing migraines which plagued him his entire life, and for which he eventually began to self-medicate. A pattern of unfortunate incidents began to follow, including a diagnosis of PTSD after 9/11, ( he was never able to stop theorizing about what really happened to Building Number 7 ) , giving the finger to several fans during a game, a masturbation incident on the subway, a brief stint as a Mixed-Martial-Artist, and the release of a sex tape with his ex-wife, Mrs. Met.
Mr. Met lived an unusual and colourful life to the end. During the current lockdown for Covid-19, Mr. Met had been sheltering in place in his basement apartment with his collection of exotic animals. It is hypothesized that one of them, hungry or irritable, turned on Mr. Met and devoured him.
In life, as in death, he was a true Met.
We shall not see his like again.
Michael Murray
Michael Murray is nothing without his wife.
Rachelle Maynard. That’s his wife.
Rachelle Maynard is the bomb.
She is the Galaxy Brain, and everything you see here is because of her.
That is the Capital T, truth.
But never mind that, for Michael Murray is truly the Galaxy Brain. He has won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest and is so good-natured that he was once mistaken for a missionary while strolling the streets of a small Cuban town. He has written for the National Post, the Globe and Mail, the Ottawa Citizen, Hazlitt Magazine, CBC Radio, Reader’s Digest and thousands of other prestigious publications and high-flying companies that pay obscene sums of money .You should buy his book, A Van Full of Girls and throw money at Galaxy Brain.